I take anti-anxiety medication. Not a huge dosage, but enough to keep me from being all like “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”.
At the same time, I’m trying to ween myself off caffeine.
Because what the fuck, right?
I haven’t felt right in a while. Like in about eight or nine months. I’m not as physically active as I used to be, which I can’t decide is a contributing factor or another symptom. I’ve definitely put on weight, either way.
But I’m eating right again. I’ve cut down drastically on caffeine, going from like two mega-large coffees a day to two small ones (one when I get to work and another around or after lunch).
I thought about cutting down or eliminating my medication, because I also have felt like I’m just not as good a writer as I used to be. Lately when I’m writing I feel myself lacking focus, repeating myself, developing bad habits, not being as pleased with my work as I used to be, and repeating myself. I feel like I used to be able to just sit down and bang stuff out with no problem, but now it comes so much harder to me.
Is that true, though? Did I really have this amazing ability to put out stream of consciousness missives and essays without requiring I rewrite a sentence I’d just typed? Was I really able to get through a thousand words perfectly without having to walk away and/or do a rewrite?
I don’t know. I mean, if you’re to ask me, I’ll swear to God that I have. But I have enough self-awareness and experience with other like-minded people that tells me I’m deluded in that thinking. It was never that easy, and I was never that good.
Besides, I did some cursory research and found that none of the side-effects of the medication I’m on include a lack of focus and/or becoming a total fucking hack.
Soooo really I just need to get on a treadmill or elliptical every morning for a month, start doing fifty to a hundred push-ups a day, and write more.
BUT THAT’S HARRRRRRRD CAN’T I JUST NOT TAKE PILLS AND STOP DRINKING SOMETHING?*
* C’mon, recovering alchy, you know it ain’t that easy.